Absent Fathers Still Influence

While perusing the internet researching a completely different topic, I stumbled across a fascinating article detailing how many of our nation's Presidents were deeply influenced by their absent fathers. Doug Wead writes,

There is curious anecdotal evidence that some of history’s most powerful leaders came from homes with absent fathers. And we are seeing this scenario acted out again in the lives of our two presidential candidates, Barack Obama and John McCain.

Senator Barack Obama, whose father left home in 1963, was only two years old. They were separated by continents. Obama was twenty-one years old when he was told in a telephone call that the father he never knew was killed in an automobile accident.

John McCain, son and grandson of navy officers, had a father who was a four star admiral. He was very loving but very busy and usually faraway.

Many fathers of the American presidents die young. And even the ones who live usually fall into the Obama-McCain category. “I was never there,” says George Herbert Walker Bush, “Barbara raised him.”

Three fathers of presidents died before their sons were even born.

Andrew Jackson
Rutherford B. Hayes
Bill Clinton

And many others died at an early age. James Garfield was one year old when his father died. Andrew Johnson was three, Herbert Hoover six, George Washington eleven, and Thomas Jefferson fourteen. Fully nineteen presidents lost their fathers before they reached age thirty. And only two fathers actually attended their sons’ inaugurations.

There is a very predictable family formula for strong leaders, good and bad. They have an attachment to the mother and an absent father. Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedung all fit the pattern as neatly as Washington and Jefferson.

After giving more examples from the annals of U.S. history to support his thesis, Wead recounts how he was puzzled by the fact that absentee fathers played such a prominent and positive role in shaping the lives of Presidents, even though he knew "...America's prisons are full of young men who also attached to their mothers and have an absent father." Later, he came to some thought-provoking conclusions as to why the impact on each group of children is so very different,

If a father only spends his life serving his sons, reducing himself to the role of a taxi driver, running them to little league and soccer practice and math camp, all to show that they are a loving father willing to sacrifice their own advancement to give their sons an opportunity they never had, don’t expect the sons to grow up to be major league ball players or brilliant engineers. They will likely grow up to be taxi drivers just like their fathers, driving their sons all over suburbia as well.

On the other hand, if a father does something great with his life, achieves something significant or heroic, then, even if he is absent, his son will likely follow and may even do better, just to rub it in.

There is now much evidence that the role of the father, even his absence, is just as important in shaping leaders and presidents as is the role of the mother. Affirmed and empowered by their mother’s love but also hurt and frustrated by their father’s absence, a leader, including most American presidents, will strive to prove their value and worth with their great achievements.

Personally, I am convinced the best fathers do both. They deeply invest their time in their children's lives while also finding and fulfilling their own God-given destiny. I do think, however, that in an attempt to give their kids every possible advantage in life, some parents unwittingly infect them with the intoxicating and corrosive impression that they are the center of the universe, that their own wants and needs should be the focus of their lives.

Jesus, on the other hand, clearly stated that humility and service to others are the key to all true greatness. It is very important to convince our children of our love for them and of their great value in the eyes of the Lord. It is also vital that we point them toward something larger than themselves as the ultimate goal in life.

24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? (Matthew 16:24-26 NIV)

The Porn Myth (Challies / Wolf)

Tim Challies is a Christian web designer from Canada of the Reformed persuasion whose blog, www.challies.com, is widely read. Today, he posted some thoughts on a recent New York Magazine article by feminist Naomi Wolf entitled, "The Porn Myth."

Midway through his musings, Tim writes,

Feminists taught that women needed to go from being the hunted to being the hunters, to transition to the role of the aggressor in relationships. They were to throw off inhibition and try to beat men at their own game.

But Wolf, and many other feminists, have had to rethink their position a little bit. Once advocates of pornography, they have had to take an honest look at how pornography has affected our culture. "The Porn Myth" does just this. If you read this site often you know how much I delight in finding articles in secular publications that just say what the Bible has been saying all along. In many ways, this is just such an article.

Wolf begins by saying that some feminists used to be concerned that the widespread acceptance of pornography would turn men into beasts, causing them to rape and pillage women. Years later she says, "the effect is not making men into raving beasts. On the contrary: The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as "porn-worthy." Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention." So porn is not causing men to see women as objects of unbridled lust (though in some cases I know this has happened). Rather, porn is causing men to become bored with sex and bored with real women. "For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in human history, the images' power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn." That last sentence is shocking for its forthrightness and for its implications. Men who immerse themselves in pornography know that real women compare unfavorably with the stars of their pornographic movies. Those women have perfect bodies, no inhibitions and are willing to express pleasure in any act, no matter how vulgar or demeaning. They exist only to please their men.

A bit later, he pens,

When I speak with young men these days I find that, almost invariably, they are recovering porn addicts. Since I wasn't born yesterday I take this to mean "I'm addicted to pornography but can't quite admit it." I try to warn them that there are consequences to this sin. Of course I tell them that God is dishonored by this sin, but they are Christian guys and they already know this. So I tell them also that this sin is going to have consequences in their lives that go far beyond what they do when nobody else is looking. For example, addiction to pornography will not disappear when they fall in love and commit to marriage. Rather, pornography will be a destructive force they bring into that marriage. They may find that they are enraptured with a wife for a few months, but the addiction, if not conquered, will come back. It will haunt the marriage until it is properly dealt with. And when pornography returns, that wife suddenly won't look so wonderful. She will have spots and blemishes and stretch marks. There will be things she will not want to do in bed. She will have nights when she does not want to have sex. Suddenly the women in pornography will look pretty good in comparison as they are always eager, always beautiful, always available.

But these women are but a sinful fantasy. They beckon like the captivity in Egypt. Pornography looks at the heavenly manna God has provided and looks instead to the slavery of sin. And the sin somehow compares favorably. Real naked women become just bad porn.

Sin is subtle; it is powerful; it is captivating. Even people who care little for the Bible are having to admit that it was right all along. And we know from the Bible that only God offers true freedom.

Well said, Tim...!

To read the rest of his post, click here.

To sample another of his posts on a very different topic (evolution), click here.

Words from wise women (CORRECTED)

I've not been on the internet much during our vacation and when I have it has ususally been through a dial-up connection on one of our parent's houses. I just noticed today that only part of Barbara's comments were formatted as a quote, which makes some of her words look like they are mine, so I just fixed that. Sorry about the mixup...!

Following my message Sunday on, "How to Be the Kind of Woman a Good Man Wants to Love," Hillcrest Church's very own Barbara Cashion emailed me the following comment I thought worth passing along...

As good as yesterday's sermon was, and it was, you need to add a seventh point to your list. In keeping with the alliteration you are fond of: Be pretty.

Beauty is endowed by God, but "pretty" can be achieved by almost all women. When Naomi advised Ruth how to approach Boaz, it was: wash yourself, anoint yourself (creams, oils and makeup?) and put on your best clothes. In short - look good and smell good. Ruth primped and it paid off.

Over at the Raising Five blog, Katherine recently referred to an article she read a while back entitled, To A Young Mother by Janie B. Cheaney. It gives some great advice built around the following points that will strengthen any marriage if followed:

1. Don't waste time trying to change people, especially that man.
2. Allow no root of bitterness to spring up in you.
3. Don't weaken him by disparaging words, which spring from disparaging thoughts.
4. Don't identifyso completely with your children that you make the same excuses for their behavior as you once did for yours.

Cheaney then goes on to say,

Where you are at age 29 depends mostly on circumstance. Where you are at 39 depends mostly on character.

Words to the wise...!

Stop, Drop, and Kiss...!

I've had more feedback from my sermon last Sunday on Father's Day entitled, "How to Be the Kind of Man A Woman Wants to Love," than anything I have preached in a long time. (To listen online from a slow connection, click here. To download the mp3 file via a high-speed connection for off-line listening, click here.)

So far, the comments have come overwhelmingly (over 90%) from women. They seem glad their husbands heard it. A word to the wise, fellows...!

Browsing the Internet this morning, I came an article written by a woman named Mandy Houk describing how a small change in her daily routine brought a new spark to her marriage. It's called, "Stop, Drop, and Kiss." Might I suggest to all you ladies that you take a moment to read what she wrote ... and while you are at it, make sure your husband joins us Saturday morning, June 22nd at 9am in the Seminar Room for a simple breakfast and a great video called "How to Improve Your Sex Life," by Robert Lewis from our Men's Fraternity Bible study at Hillcrest Church every Wednesday night at 7pm.

Believe me, you will be glad you shooed your husband out the door and sent him on down to 12123 Hillcrest Road ... and so will he...!

Behind Every Great Man...(Ruth Graham)

I caught a bit of Ruth Graham's funeral on TV today. What a woman she was! In some respects, I think she was even greater than her man. Don't get me wrong, I have all the respect in the world for Billy. I am quite certain, though, he would have never become what he did without Ruth behind him. We see what he is, she saw what he was, and somehow must have sensed what he could become.

That he was capable of greatness seems obvious now, but my guess is that it was not quite so apparent way back then. In fact, somewhere in the back of my mind lies a faint wisp of a memory that says Billy once had a girl break up with him (maybe even end an engagement) because she said, "I want to marry someone that is going to amount to something in life."

That may be apocryphal instead of actual, but the essence rings true to what I have read concerning his early years. I think it was John Pollock's biography, or perhaps Billy's own telling of his life story entitled, "Just As I Am," that recounts how the young evangelist left a rather straight-laced, fundamentalist Bible college that I shall leave unnamed in order to enroll at a school in Florida. One important reason for the move was that in the Sunshine State, he would be able to spend time on the golf course as well as in his studies. The president of the institute he left is reputed to have told the young drop-out-to-be, "Young man, if you leave this school, you will be nothing but a backwoods preacher the rest of your life!"

Somehow Ruth saw beyond all of that. What makes me so sure? A daughter of missionary parents, she was a highly devoted follower of Jesus who had gone so far as to pray, "Lord, make me a martyr soon!" She would never have given up her dream of serving the Lord in China like her parents before her unless she somehow sensed God's blessing on her choice. I am quite familiar with that kind of woman. While I am certainly no Billy Graham, Teresa is cut from the same cloth as Ruth, and it took supernatural intervention for her to marry me!

Speaking of which, in one of God's divine serendipities, back in 1986 He allowed my sweetheart to meet Ruth in person while we were participating in the Billy Graham International Conference for Itinerant Evangelists in Amsterdam, Holland. When Teresa showed up at a session for ministry wives, the only seats available were on the back row. A few moments after the program started, a woman slipped in and sat down beside her. At one point, the speaker asked everyone in the room to turn to the person beside her and introduce herself. Teresa did so, cheerily, saying, "Hello! My name is Teresa Brand." To her utter astonishment, the kind, gray headed woman seated beside her sweetly replied, "Hello! My name is Ruth Graham." Teresa had the same impression of Ruth that I did of Cliff Barrows when I stumbled upon him while taking a short cut through a deserted auditorium. They were two of the nicest, most down-to-earth, and utterly approachable human beings we have ever met, just like Jesus would have been.

Two other vignettes flashed across my mind today...

One was a photo from a book that showed scenes from the Graham's mountain home in Montreat. It was of a wooden plaque above the kitchen sink bearing these words, "Divine Service Performed Here Three Times Daily."

The other is an anecdote my own mother takes particular delight in telling. Ruth was once pressed by a reporter who found it hard to believe her statement that divorce had never crossed her mind during her and Billy's long and unusual marriage. In response to his question, "Is it really true that you have never, not even once, seriously contemplated divorce?" she replied, "Divorce, no; Murder, YES!"

Some modern cynic altered the age-old adage, "Behind every great man is a great woman," declaring, "Behind every great man is an astonished woman." I am sure that is true in many instances but I think the original version says it best when it comes to Ruth and Billy.

Thank you, Lord, for giving a very great woman to a very great man....!

P.S. Here are a few links I found to webpages with more information about Mrs. Ruth Graham:

Back in 1983, Ruth wrote an article about the book that influenced her the most, "The Confessions of Saint Augustine." Here is one, brief, quote,

He also recounts the sins and follies of his youth, the influence of his mother, and many of his experiences. These teach me, for instance, that sin, when confessed—truly confessed—will not be described in all its lurid details. True confession implies a genuine sorrow for sin that would negate any desire to say anything more about it than absolutely necessary.

...

We also learn of the faithful persistence of Augustine's mother. He tells us that she went to a certain well-known bishop in Carthage to plead with him to talk with Augustine, who had already developed a distaste for the Scriptures and been led into doctrinal error by the Manichaeans. But the bishop, aware of Augustine's brilliance, did not want to tangle with him. When his mother, Monica, persisted, the bishop replied, "Go thy way and God bless thee, for it is not possible that the son of these tears should perish."

Then comes the moving account of how he slips away from his mother by lying to her and proceeding to Rome and Milan. His mother prayed that he would not sail, but Augustine says God regarded not what she then asked, that he might make of him "what she ever asked."

Another great article by her dealt with the fear of the Lord and was entitled, "Afraid of the Right Things." Great mothers know how to instill that deep in the hearts of their children. Mine certainly did...!

In an obituary entitled, The Silent Rock Behind A Famous Evangelist, there is this great quote,

Billy was brought up in a house where the women did not question the men, while in the Bell house, that's all we did...

You gotta love a lady like that...! As well as one who said she wanted as her epitaph the following phrase, "End of Construction: Thank You for Your Patience."

The Pilgrim Journey website markets an audio recording on her life narrated by Walter Cronkite and also offers some free downloads of both humorous and insightful audio clips from her family and close associates.

Her daughter, Anne Graham-Lotz, a great, great woman in her own right, issued a short but very moving statement with some more great quips and quotes like the following,

Anne, make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that goes.

A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers.

Every cat knows some things need to be covered.

It takes two to make a fight.

God called you not to make your husband good, but to make him happy.

You can’t teach your kids to like spinach if every time they see you eating yours, you gag.

Finally, Christianity Today has a great obituary with many links to other items on the web.

Staying in like

In her article on Christianity Today's website, Annie Chapman says, "People get married because they love each other. But they stay married because they like each other."

What a great quote! And, so very true.

She then goes on to say, "Partners who like each other have a relationship founded on respect. When respect, and the "liking" it fosters, flourishes in a marriage, you can bet the relationship rests on solid ground. "

She ends her short, pithy article by outlining five ways to put more "like" in your marriage. It's well worth the couple of minutes it will take you to check it out!